Monday, August 11, 2014

Satire: Introductory College Diversity Letter

Inspired by the reporting at College Insurrection

Dear Incoming Freshmen,

We at Shibboleth University welcome you to our University Family, and to celebrate, we are hosting a series of Welcoming Parties for our incoming freshman!

Our primary party will be held at the Jon Swift Center for Cultural Diversity. Speakers at the event will cover a wide range of topic, from white privilege and micro-aggressions, to cultural appropriation. Light, racially and culturally appropriate food will be served and alcohol is prohibited.

If you will be attending our main party, there are several rules of conduct of which you should be aware:

1) Unacceptable speech is prohibited, at this or any other college event. Prohibited speech is determined at the sole discretion of University officials, but includes speech which demeans or offends others, including representatives of the University or strikes against the University culture of tolerance and free inquiry.

This includes speech both on and off campus.

2) Any expressive activity that would fall within the University Code of Speech, Expression and Conduct must be submitted to the University for pre-approval from the Office of Individuality, Respect and Self-Expression. This includes clothing relaying a political, religious, or ethnic message. Clothing exclusively with messages of racial solidarity or items sold from the University Store are exempt from this policy.

3) All other cultures must be respected, no demeaning language may be used in reference to another race or culture. A non-inclusive list of words includes:

12)Sou** Amer****
13) **** ********
As well as any reference to non-European peoples.

4) Cultural Appropriation is prohibited. White students are prohibited from demeaning themselves by adopting the styles, practices, foods, celebrations, holidays or cultural practices that originate from cultures outside of the European continent west of Berlin.

This list includes:

1) Ethnic dances (ex, belly-dancing)
2) Ethnic theater styles (ex, Kabuki)
3) Eastern Christian religious practices
4) Islamic religious practices
5) Mexican/Chinese cultural practices
6) Anything “Black”
7) Inter-racial relationships

To allow our minority students sufficient space to express their cultures without fear of appropriation or of impacting their welcoming celebration, we have requested Ferguson Park be reserved for their use. We have also secured the free party room at Club Plessy as a reserve rain-out location.

White students found at the minority party will be subject to discipline. Minority students found at the white party will be expelled.

We greatly value our campus diversity, so if you feel aggrieved or suffer from a micro-aggression, please report it to the Office of Diversity Enforcement and the offender will be punished for their association with you.

Again, welcome to Shibboleth University, an open and diverse campus.

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